Serial Killer Code

How many times has this happened to you:

You're at a dinner party when you meet a fellow serial killer. The talk turns to personal style, and you feel the need to say that you're a transsexual serial killer in your thirties who enjoys strangulation and eating victims' entrails. But you realize that discussing human entrails would create a minor faux pas who's correction would require that you take your salad fork and gently place it approximately two to three centimeters behind your host's left eye. Stuffed from dinner and running out of freezer space at home, you reluctantly spare your would-be victims and settle for having a stimulating conversation truncated.

Sound familiar? Of course it does. Why if I had a nickel for every time I've been in the above situation...

But now, thanks to the wonders of this Secret Serial Killer Code, you too can share tidbits of personal information with serial killers around the world.

Just fill out the below form and you'll have your very own Serial Killer Code.

Sex

The adjective, not the noun.

XX : Female Serial Killer: I worship "Squeaky" Fromme and Lizzie Borden
XY : Male Serial Killer: I worship the Macabre
XXY : Female Serial Killer with high testosterone
XYY : Male Serial Killer with extra high testosterone
XX-XY : Female Serial Killer who wants to be male
XY-XX : Male Serial Killer who wants to be female: Buffalo Bill and Ed Gein
Z : Mind your own business, you silly English Key-nigget

Age

Pick the serial killer who is closest to your age. (age listed is either capture age or age at first murder)

A6: Immortal
A5: Andrei Chikatilo (56)
A4: Lecter (41)
A3: Ted Bundy (31)
A2: Sirhan Sirhan (24)
A1: Jeffrey Dahmner (18)
A0: Edmund Kemper (14)

Career

C4: Count, Duke, or other impaler
C3: Taxi Driver
C2: Psychiatrist
C1: Catering and Culinary Arts worker
C0: Postal Worker

IQ

IQ4: Hannibal Lecter
IQ3: Ted Kacynzski
IQ2: Jeffrey Dahmer
IQ1: Charles Whitman
IQ0: Richard Speck

Organization

The fundamental distiction between serial killers is that of organization. This trait is probably most important in determining what kind of a serial killer you are.

O4: I am almost obsessive compulsive
O3: I plan ahead when I want to kill somebody.
O2: I kill both premeditatedly and on impulse.
O1: I kill whenever the mood strikes me.
O0: I let my neighbor's dog do all the planning for me.

Reality

Serial killers vary from those who know exactly what their doing to those who are "cuckoo for coco-puffs", so to speak.

R4: I have such a firm grasp of reality that I've reduced it to an equation.
R3: I know what's real and what's right and wrong: I just don't care.
R2: I know what's what, but my daydreams look like Ralphi of "A Christmas Story"
R1: Sure, I may think I'm St. Jerome every now and then, but who doesn't?
R0: "There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination"

Personality

Some personalitiy theories hold that we are all made up of a variety of personas, little people in our head fighting over what actions are taken. There are a variety different ways to classify these personas, many based on the id, ego, and superego. Personally, I like to classify them based on the game Clue. So which of the following murderers are you most like?

P5: Mrs. Peacock (Upper Class)
P4: Professor Plum (Intellectual)
P3: Mr. Green (Financial)
P2: Miss Scarlet (Entertainment)
P1: Mrs. White (Labor)
P0: Colonel Mustard (Military)

Weapon Choice

If I were to kill, I'd use:

W6: teeth
W5: hands
W4: candlestick/lead pipe
W3: knife
W2: rope
W1: gun
W0: poison

Motive

When they catch you and ask "Why did you do it", which are you most likely to say?

M5: I needed the money to finance the light sabres I built for my friends
M4: My neighbor's dog told me to.
M3: I love jodie foster.
M2: I just wanted to see what it felt like to kill grandma.
M1: I felt like it.
M0: I did it because modern man is doomed to existential apathy.

Experience

How much have you really done??

E5: I make Mao Tse Tung, Stalin, and Hitler jealous
E4: I've killed over a dozen people
E3: I've killed someone
E2: I've never actually killed anyone, but I'm planning on it.
E1: I stalk every now and then.
E0: I'm a non-violent serial killer (???) .

The Silence of the Lambs

L6: I am a complete nerd who has devoted my life to computers
L5: I can recite Silence of the Lambs from memory
L4: I've seen the movies and read the books.
L3: I've seen the movies and I liked them.
L2: I've never seen or read any Lecter
L1: I've seen/read Lecter and I don't like him
L0: I don't really know what I'm doing filling this out.

Sex

Age